By Jody Eagen

Our Relationship Retreat is coming up in several weeks and I am getting lots of questions about why two people would choose to take such a program. In every case, the two individuals are currently addressing one or more of the topics that we focus on in the program or they already spend lots of time together.

In each case, I explain the added value of a retreat setting: being in nature; being out of the city; being away from home and responsibilities; being away from the temptation of doing chores around the house or going to a movie or spending time alone reading a book. The list goes on.

As two people in a relationship - be it primary, friendship, parent-child or siblings - we often mean to spend premium time together. Yet that time usually gets filled in. Even time together ends up being ‘a doing thing’ in our do-aholic society. We end up together but it may be at the jazz festival or roller blading or canoeing or biking or shopping. These are great activities to ‘do together’. The question I ask is are they allowing you enough time to ‘be together’?

In our discussions, couples say they spend a evening here and an evening there discussing the challenges facing them or defining their future together. Is an hour really enough to define a long term vision for 2 people? Can we really understand the differences in our values that limit our ability to agree on how to raise the children in one 2-hour discussion? Will a conversation in the car really change how we communicate with each other long term if we have developed our existing habits over many years?

In the end, they usually see the value in spending premium time together not doing anything except focusing on the areas that require attention at this time. Areas that may very well sort themselves out or become crystal clear over time. They see the value is discovering in one weekend what may take months or years to understand – without the scars.

All relationships offer challenges and opportunities. Yet we avoid dealing with them because we are so busy or hope that by avoidance, they will just go away, resolve themselves or in the case of a dream or decision, magically become crystal clear so we know which path to take. That would be like letting some else decide our destiny.

When we take the time to experience a retreat, there is nowhere else to look but at ourselves and/or our relationship partner. To really listen to each other about the thoughts and feelings we have around important topics and to even consider topics we have never thought to discuss. It’s real premium time with myself and/or with someone I am in a relationship with, to really look at the opportunities we have and get clear on what we want to create.

‘Being together’ rather than ‘doing together’.